Joke+of+the+Day

Joke of the day

Hi I'm the Lauging Ninja and I write the joke of the day. I hope you find these jokes more enjoyable than I do.

1. A poodle said to another dog "I think I'm going through depresion. I can't think of a reason to roll over in the morning." The poodles friend said "Why don't you go see a therapist?" The poodle replied "I would but the man won't let me on the couch."

2. A preist a rabbai and a bishop decide to see whose better at their job. The task to decide who was better was whoever could convert a bear succesfully. After the challenge the preist said he had baptised the bear in the river and that he was going to be at first communion on sunday. The bishop said he preached the word of the lord and the convertion was a succes. Then both men looked at the rabbai who was lying on a stretcher and he said "Maybe I shouldn't have started with the cirrcumcision."

Note: I realize that I might've told the joke wrong please don't make fun of me.

3.Once ther was a monk who took a vow of silence. He could only speak two words every ten years in front of the monk council. His first two words were food bad. The next ten years he said bed hard. The next 10 years he said I quit. Then the head monk said "I'm not surprised, all you've done since you got here is complain."

4.Once a man was asked if "You could have a tattoo what it would be of and where would you put it?" And the man replied "I would put it on my tongue and it would say "YOUR NAME" so when ever I couldn't remember someones name I can say your name is on the tip of my tongue.

NOTE: I'm sorry I've just about ran out of my best jokes.

5.Once a large woman dieted and became thin. She kept her new figure and she moved somepalce new. She made new new friends. Later she found old videos of herself when she was larger. She showed them to her new friends (some of them brought thier children) to share some of her old memories. After the videos her friends asked her how she had lost so much weight. But one of her new friends children who was about 6 called her fat in defense the woman said the camera adds ten pounds. The child replied how many cameras were on you?

7. Once there was a ventriliquist making dumb blonde jokes. All of a sudden a beautiful blonde woman jumps up out of the crowd and yells "Hey the color of my hair doesn't say anything about how smart I am!" The ventriliquist tries to apologize but the woman snaps back "Stay out of this. This is between me and the little man on your knee!"

NOTE: I don't believe that people with blond hair are stupid ,but that doesn't mean they're all smart. Some people are smart and some aren't

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A military cargo plane is flying and it starts to go into a nose dive. The pilot yells to the soldiers in the back throw things out of the plane to make us lighter. The soldiers throw out a pistol, a rifle, and a missle and the pilot gains the control again. Soon the plane lands at a military airport and drove away in a car. On the side of the rode they see a boy crying and they ask him what happened and he said "A pistol hit me on the head!" The soldiers apologize and continue. They meet another boy who was crying and they asked what was wrong. The boy said "A rifle hit me on the head!" The soldiers apologized and went on. Soon they found another boy on the side of the rode laughing and they asked what was so funny and he said "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

10. NOTE: Bill Clinton joke When hilary Clinton died she went to heaven and stood before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. She noticed a wall of clocks behind him. She asked "What are all those clocks?" Saint Peter replied "Those are lie-clocks everyone on earth has one." "Whose clock is that?" Hillary asked. "That is Mother Teresa's clock. It has never moved telling us she has never told a lie. "Whose clock is that?" "That is Abraham Lincolns clock it has moved only twice in his entire life. "Where's Bills clock?" she asked. It's in Jesus' office he uses it as a ceiling fan."

12.NOTE: This is a list of stupid things in America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

14. NOTE: Blonde joke and no offense. 1. she sent a fax with a stamp on it 2. she thought a quarterback was a refund 3. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetacal order 4. she thought general motors was in the army 5. she thought meow mix was a CD 6. she tried to drown a fish 7. she spent half an hour looking at orange juice because it said concentrate 8. she asked for a price check at the dollar store 9. it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes 10. she sold the car to buy gas money 11. she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around home so she moved 12. she thinks taco bell is a phone company 13. she missed the 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice 14. she got locked in the grocery store and starved to death

15. A wife and a husband go to the doctors office and the doctor calls the wife in to talk."You're husband is suffering a rare stress disorder, he must feel comfortable at all times. If you don't follow these instructions he will die. I recomend starting the day with a delicious and healthy breakfast and dinner. Next don't nag him with your problems. Don't make him do his chores or he will surely stress. Do this for about a year and he will be fine, have a nice day." On the way home the husband asked "What did the doctor say?" The wife says "He said you're going to die."

16.Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat: 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

17.See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is moron cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

18. There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. Problem solved.

19. DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.... DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

20.A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."

21. NOTE: I added 2 jokes today so if you didn't please go back and read the joke before this one. The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.” “Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!” Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.” “Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?” “I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

22.NOTE: NO OFFENSE I have no problem with blondes, brunettes, or redheads. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

23.NOTE: the next 2 jokes are from NatoPotatoWin34 Why did the single bird crash? Because he was flying solo!

24. Why did the composer laugh? Because he wrote a symphony!

25. NOTE: Bill Clinton joke Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

26. Bernie the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

27. NOTE: No OFFENSE. OTHER NOTE: Christmas joke There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

28. NOTE: NO OFFENSE There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

29. As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

30. What's Tiger Woods new name? Cheetah!

31. Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?" "Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose. "Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand. Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border. Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?" "Sand," says Jose. A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border. For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a diner in Mexico. "Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?" Jose, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."

32. A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

33. The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations. 1. Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! 2. Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. 3. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? 4. Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again... 5. Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! 6. To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

34. NOTE: THIS JOKE IS A RULE BOOK FOR DOGS AT CHRISTMAS TIME. 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: a. Don't pee on the tree b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans b. Don't eat off the buffet table c. Beg for goodies subtly d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house c. Tolerate children d. Turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

35. Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

36. NOTE: NO OFFENSE One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times! "

37. NOTE: PAY CLOSE ATTENTION PS: If you stiill don't get it I put an explanation at the bottom. One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said Polish Remover?" (He's from Poland and people from Poland are called Polish(Pole-ish). Get it?)

38. A woman was looking at herself in the mirror and she started to say to her husband "my hair is getting gray, I've got wrinkles on my face, and my arms and legs are flabby." She turned to her husband and said "please make me feel better and tell me something positive about myself." Her husband thought for a moment and said "at least you still have your eyesight."

39. NOTE: BLONDE JOKE DUE TO HIGH DEMAND PS: NO OFFENSE A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

40. NOTE: today I'm going to try some YO MAMA jokes. I hope you like them. Please don't insult someones mother with these jokes. These are all the YO MAMA jokes I could think of.

1. YO MAMA so fat when she went bungee jumping she pulled the bridge down with her 2. YO MAMA so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway 3. YO MAMA so fat when she went to the movie theater she sat next to everybody

41. Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"

42. A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

43. NOTE: I don't remember how this joke goes exactly so if you have any question come and ask me. One man was having a really bad day. He went to a restraunt ordered a drink and stared at it. A man had noticed he'd been staring at it for a while and drank it himself. The other man started to cry and the other man apologized and offered to buy him another drink. The man said no and told the man about his awful day and how his wife had died and his car breaking down. Then the man having a bad day said ...and then I planned to end it and you drank my poison.

44. REMINDER: Please if you have any good jokes let me know I'm LaughingNinja Joe and Rupert are hunting. Rupert has a heart attack falls to the ground. Joe frantically calls 911 with his cell phone. The operator cassually says "911 what is your emergency." Joe says nervously "My friend and I were hunting and he had a heart attack! I think he's dead!" The operator responses "Okay stay calm, First check and make sure that he's dead." Joe leaves the phone. The operator here's a gun shot. Joe comes back to the phone and says nervously "Okay what now?"

45. The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

46. Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "You're pitching on Wednesday."

47. NOTE: NO OFFENSE Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -("com-for-da-bul" )

48. After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and whenthey pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared. 'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie. 'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared. 'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too. The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'

49. NOTE: NO OFFENSE There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"

50. An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

51. Two men were applying for a job in Ireland. One was Irish and one was American. The job was at an Irish company. The manager thought the men were equally qualifed for the job so he had them take a test about the company. Both men got 9 out of 10 of the questions. The manager gave the job to the American and the Irish man complained. "Why did he get the job we both got the same number of questions right?" The manager said you didn't get the job because on question 5 the American said "I don't know" and you said "me neither."

52. Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And one covered in Apple Jack's and Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid, this is the work of a cereal killer."